Monday, December 8, 2014

Harbaugh to Athletics?

Head coach Jim Harbaugh at the 2010 Stanford f...
Niner red to be swapped for A's green and gold? (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Billy Beane's behind-the-scenes masterminding of yesterday Raiders beat-down of the Niners - he can be seen here taunting Jed York as the Niners czar exited the stadium before game's end - has thrown fuel on the blazing rumor that Jim Harbaugh will join the Oakland A's next season as Bob Melvin's bench coach.

"We play 162 games a season," Beane said. "That's 162 post-game news conferences, both taking pressure off Bob and giving a boost to the careers of analytical rhetoricians worldwide."

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

Fife Wife Suspended After Elevator Video Surfaces

The entrance to a typical style elevator found...
The offending Peacock Casino elevator (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
This is the most recent of a series of reports in which TSIBWWFfG chronicles a year in the life of the Patrick Finley Memorial Fantasy Baseball League, one of the original Big Six fantasy leagues.

J. Michael Robertson, Finley Fantasy's Beloved Commissioner for Life, yesterday indefinitely suspended the wife of former league champion Paul Fife following the recent emergence of a video providing additional information concerning an encounter between the two in a Reno casino elevator last summer.

Last July a surveillance video from the Peacock Casino showed a clearly infatuated Kit Fife tugging her husband into the elevator "playfully tossing her head in a flirtatious manner" and "drawing him close with lascivious intent" according to Robertson.

Though not conclusive, Robertson said, the footage suggested a degree of connubial bliss "likely to make the rest of the league feel bad" since "our own wives have gotten over us a long time ago."

In response to that video, BCL Robertson suspended Mrs. Fife from the annual league outing, mandating that Fife bring his mother instead.

The appearance last week on Gawker of a surveillance video recorded inside the elevator at the time of the original incident has exposed the Finley League to widespread criticism in the Geek Community citing the inadequacy of the original penalty.

In the new video, Mrs. Fife  "showers her husband with burning kisses" and "fondles his left bicep muscle just as if he has one," Robertson said. "This cannot be allowed to stand. Why is Paul getting so much action? My self image has taken a blow."

League newcomer Chris Corwin had his own somewhat cryptic take on the controversy. "When I get busy on an elevator," he said, "I always start in the basement."

Monday, December 1, 2014

... because Raiders

Oakland Raiders
Oakland Raiders (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Because it was a long holiday weekend for the staff of TSIBIFWFfG, as Senior Intern I'm working the desk by myself today and feeling a little down "because Raiders," the meaning of which you don't have to be a geek to get.

It's useful shorthand, isn't it, this "because-noun" structure? According to some dude writing for the Atlantic, it's:

 ... one of those distinctly of-the-Internet, by-the-Internet movements of language. It conveys focus (linguist Gretchen McCulloch: "It means something like 'I'm so busy being totally absorbed by X that I don’t need to explain further, and you should know about this because it's a completely valid incredibly important thing to be doing'"). It conveys brevity (Carey: "It has a snappy, jocular feel, with a syntactic jolt that allows long explanations to be forgone")....

But it also conveys a certain universality. When I say, for example, "The talks broke down because politics," I'm not just describing a circumstance. I'm also describing a category. I'm making grand and yet ironized claims, announcing a situation and commenting on that situation at the same time. I'm offering an explanation and rolling my eyes—and I'm able to do it with one little word. Because variety. Because Internet. Because language.

Yes, that's it. It succinctly captures a community's sense of the all pervading. Though you might say it is a nuanced use of language, it works best in those unnuanced instances where the notion one is wielding is indubitable - thick, heavy and unequivocal. If I say I am sad "because A's," that invites a challenge. It needs to be unpacked. It needs qualification for, indeed: They are pretty good but not good enough. They are a disappointment but not a humiliation. Hope peeks out from under the hem of their skirts, though it is probably not hope at all but only wishful thinking.

But "because Raiders" not only says all that needs to be said but also stops the conversation. As Walter Cronkite would have said at the end of a broadcast: "Well, that's the way it is."

I'm not sure there's a baseball equivalent, not one so unremittingly despairing. You could say "because Cubs," but they have been bad so long to the point of endearing. The Raiders were a brand, excellent in the idiosyncratic transgressive image of the late Al Davis in his prime and then they were alternately marginal-minus and adequate-plus as Davis slipped into inflexible cognitive decay. And now they are terrible to the point of cultural coin.

They are a shadow on the land, an eclipse. "The lamps are going out all over Europe. We shall not see them lit again in our life-time."

Because Germany.

Here in Oakland, As Bill Murphy would have put it in Groundhog Day, "I'll give you a prediction: It's gonna be cold, it's gonna be grey, and it's gonna last you for the rest of your life."

Because Raiders.